Why Jews Dislike Palin

Here we go again. Every few years, some big media-saturated event lights up the internet with right-wing anti-Semitism, and the always-fragile level of tolerance the right grants Jewish people due to Israel and Jewish-American wealth and success begins to fade. Because no matter how much money Jews make, at the end of the day they still refuse to completely assimilate (read: vote Republican)

It's always strange to see the disparity between the right's support of the right wing of Israeli politics and their hatred and contempt for actual Jewish people. Evangelist Billy Graham is a right-wing Zionist, but he counseled Nixon about Hollywood Jews who subvert morality and promote liberalism. The Catholic League's Bill Donahue supports the Israeli right, and he also thinks "Hollywood is controlled by secular Jews who only care about anal sex." Ann Coulter can fellate the Likud party all she wants, but she revealed her true feelings about Jews to Danny Deutche last year, saying they need to be "perfected" like her. (I guess that means become crazy bigots with horse-faces.) It's easy to see why she and her buddies are mad at us. The old saying that Jews earn like Episcopalians but vote like Puerto Ricans is true and must be baffling to anyone who wonders why someone wouldn't vote with her pocketbook. Usually these Jew-baiting events involve Mel Gibson, but this time it comes from a surprising source: John McCain's camp.

McCain has made a Herculean effort to court Jewish voters. Whereas most Republicans in the past have written off Jews because they vote mostly Democratic, McCain has directly appealed to them. And some of his supporters have tried to capitalize on the anti-Muslim sentiments of some (especially older) Jewish people with aggressive, false propaganda about how Senator Barack Obama is secretly a militant Muslim.

That's why the turnaround is so shocking. Here's what happened: First, McCain chose Sarah Palin as his running mate. She is a nut-job who believes dinosaurs and humans once coexisted. She can't be bothered to read newspapers. She is against gay rights. She is against reproductive choice. We get it. Loves guns, hates gays. Really into hunting, but not so much into reading, learning, or science. So we (Jews) don't like her, naturally. That's the second stage of the turnaround. We reject this weirdo and make fun of her mercilessly in our fancy, city-folk jobs as reporters and Daily Show writers. That is all really predictable. If McCain thought Jews would warm up to a crazy Alaskan governor who hangs out with Jews For Jesus leaders, he must be as insane as she is.

But now the internet is awash with racists claiming Jews hate Palin because she is a Christian, and that this is further proof that Jews are anti-Christian bigots. Some are saying Jews are repeating the racism that was dealt to them by Christians in the past. This Jew-baiting claim is even making its way (in a nicer tone, of course) to mainstream sites like Beliefnet. Let's get three things clear:

1. Christianity is not a race, so it's impossible to be racist against Christians. Christianity is a CHOICE, like Scientology or Reform Judaism. Because we live in a civilized society, we should be civil towards each other and refrain from ridiculing someone's religion for no reason, but criticizing a religion is not racism. Anti-Semitism is racism because it is hatred against someone because of her ethnicity. Hating someone because her last name is Cohen is racism. However, criticizing Conservative Judaism is not racist because that's a religion. Therefore, criticizing Christianity is not racism.

2. Uh, we don't hate Christians. Most of us don't, anyway. According to Ha'aretz, Jewish voters favor Obama, and he is a Christian. Jews voted overwhelmingly for Bill Clinton and John Kerry, and they are both Christians. I'm pretty sure most Jews think Oskar Schindler was a good guy, and he was a Christian. We dislike Palin because she is crazy!!

3. If you want to strike a chord with Jewish voters, support legislation we can get behind. Most Jews want gay-straight equality, reproductive rights, socialized health care, and support for education and the arts. And a balanced approach to the Israeli-Palistinian conflict that respects the humanity of both peoples will make Israel more secure than just giving its right wing unchecked support.

Well, I hope that clears things up for you anti-Semites. I've got to get back to the cabal now. We've got some world-domination plans to draw up.