Choosing My Religion

I hate weddings. Not only are they boring and stuffy, but my cynical nature never allows me to reconcile the piety and pageantry of the ceremony with the fact that most marriages end in divorce. When I couldn’t make it to my cousin’s nuptials last year, I was tempted to say, “I’ll just catch your next wedding.” However, I must admit I recently felt a pang of tribal curiosity when I was invited to my first same-sex wedding ceremony.

My friends Ben and Josh—who have lived with each other for 3 years in Portland, Oregon—plan to move to California this September and make it official. They have already booked a synagogue in San Francisco, the much-sought-after Beth Shalom. As much as I hate weddings, I am actually looking forward to this one, if only to see who stomps his foot on the wine glass.

And for those hipper-than-thou gay naysayers, who roll their eyes at the thought of two cool Jewish dudes like Ben and Josh conforming to “straight” society by getting hitched, I say stop your kvetching. Even if marriage is silly (that’s debatable,) that doesn’t mean certain minorities should be content to be banned from the institution by bigoted lawmakers and religious oppressors. Nobody should eat unhealthy fast food, but if McDonald’s were to suddenly stop serving gays and lesbians, civil rights activists should be outraged. Marriage is important to many of us, and not just because of benefits. If you don’t believe in marriage, don’t get one; but the only real way for Ben and Josh to conform to “straight” society is to marry women.

So mazel tov, Ben and Josh. I will be there. I feel kinship with these two guys in more ways than one. Not only are we all gay men in our 20’s, we are also gay Jews. We lived in Israel as infants. Our parents are divorced. We are Russian and German in terms of ancestry. (Josh and I are Russian on our mother’s side, while Ben’s mother is German.) And we are all Conservative Jews.

Judaism contains three major branches—Orthodox, Conservative, and Reform. Aside from Humanistic and Reconstructionist Judaism, Reform is the most lenient, and aside from the ultra-Orthodox haredim, Orthodox is the most stringent. Like Ben and Josh, I practice the comfortable middle ground of Conservative. This movement combines the social justice activism found in Reform with the respect for halakah (Jewish law) found in Orthodoxy. Conservative synagogues require males to cover their heads in the sanctuary, and they only serve kosher food at shabbos dinner.

Conservative is a perfect fit for me. I dislike the way many Orthodox Jews blindly adhere to Orthodox rabbi’s interpretations, even when those interpretations are nonsensical (ancient purity laws about menstruation being followed in 2008) or immoral (homophobic interpretation of Leviticus 18:22) I also dislike many Reform Jews’ complete disregard for halakha and their sometimes lack of discipline, as well as the movement’s early history of conducting services in German, and forbidding members to wear kippahs or keep kosher.

I am in no way an extremist. I think the frum (observant) lifestyle is noble, and when the movement someday does away with its misogyny and homophobia I will admire it greatly. I also think Reform Judaism is completely legitimate, and that any gentile who becomes a Jew-by-Choice by converting through Reform will be just as Jewish as I. I definitely don’t think these two (or any) branches of Judaism are treif (non-kosher;) I simply am choosing my religion. I thought about this when I was talking to another friend.

Makailah is another gay Jew in my life. She is Orthodox and lives in New York City. Last spring break, I stayed with her for a few days and met her friends from a group called Orthodykes. One day, over a bland meal at a kosher Subway in Brooklyn, I brought up the fact that Conservative Judaism now allows same-sex marriage. I told her she and her partner should go off and get married, (if only because I wanted to see who gets to stomp on the wine glass.)

She shook her head no and said there was no way in hell she would have a simcha (Jewish religious ceremony) at a Conservative synagogue. When she gets married, it will be in an Orthodox shul.

I could have been annoyed, and I could have angrily pointed out the Orthodox movement’s homophobia. But I didn’t, because I see her point. She doesn’t participate in any religious activities that aren’t Orthodox, and why should she? It isn’t fair that just because she’s gay she has to have the most important relationship of her adult life sanctioned by a rabbi from a different movement.

Makailah believes the Orthodox movement can change its ways and follow the paths of Reform and Conservative (smaller branches like Humanistic have always embraced gay-straight equality.) I agree with her. After all, a couple decades ago, who would have believed two males would be getting married in a Conservative synagogue in California? As long as we remain vigilant—as long as activists remain active—we can bring about change. Actually, it was sages whose views would make them Orthodox in modern times who made the famous rabbinic decree that whatever the Torah means by “rebellious teenagers,” it does not mean what we mean today by “rebellious teenagers,” thus making that aspect of halakha void. It didn’t require a God talking to these sages through a burning bush for this reinterpretation to take place. It took rabbis who used common sense and compassion when interpreting ancient scripture.

Orthodox Jews should follow the example of Orthodox rabbi Steven Greenberg, who interprets the prohibition against male sodomy as a prohibition against the kind of domination and humiliation by one man to another seen today by thugs and prison inmates. Not a prohibition against modern gay couples acting on their natural feelings.

Judaism is a living tradition, and our commitment to tikkun olam must begin with ourselves. How can we Jews believe in repairing the world if we consider Orthodox Judaism beyond repair? What disaster are we inviting when we leave our religions instead of stay and fight? We should lovingly but firmly remind Orthodox Jews over and over that halakha and equality are not mutually exclusive, and that anyone who refuses to even consider reinterpreting the questionable verses is guilty of worshiping the Torah instead of G-d.

I said all of this to Josh—of Ben and Josh—a few nights ago when he called me. I told him how proud I was of Makailah for not settling for a Conservative wedding and how proud I was of him and Ben for not settling for a Reform one. I told him how we should demand justice from our religious traditions instead of bailing on them. But Josh had nothing to say about any of that; he just wanted to talk about his wedding. And so he did. For hours. He went on and on about how he has dreamt of his wedding day ever since he was a young boy and how he wants everything to be perfect.

Something tells me Ben is the one who will be stomping the wine glass at the wedding.

Copyright 2008, Eli Jeremiah